My diagnosis does not define me

So I've let most people I know that I have cancer. I have this anxiety that from now on when people see me, they will see CANCER, not me. When I met with all of the doctors who would be treating me, and they were describing the treatment plan; I kept thinking they were talking about someone else in the room, not me. It was horrific.

I like watching the comedian, Jenna Marbles, on YouTube. She has one skit where she names her drunk self, Menna Jarbles. This way when Menna does something stupid, Jenna can say, "That wasn't me, it was Menna that puked all over your sofa." So I need to name the me-person who's undergoing all of the treatment I face. I can't reverse the first letter of my names, they're the same. David called it his biological self - but he's a scientist.

But what I'm really saying is, talk to me, not my illness. I have so many medical appointments, get asked the same questions at each, endure the poking and prodding - I want a diversion. Don't ask me how I am feeling, believe me, you'll be able to see it. Tell me what's going on with you, tell me a story, open my eyes to something I don't know about you.

Thanks for listening.

Pink snow

In my previous post I referred to a great WSJ article on how to talk to a friend who is sick. It is worth reading. One of the things said is let the sick person feel sad, when we want to wallow in our condition, don't try to cheer us up! It's a part of the process. That being said, I do find joy in spotting certain things - like Seattle's pink snow! The trees are blooming like crazy now, and the petals fall leaving drifts of pink snow. Sweet!

Found more pink snow.

The beginning

I am writing this blog so my friends and family can follow my journey through cancer. Cancer is not new to our house. My fiance, David, has had two cancers in as many years. And, although I went through everything with him, my experience was as a support role. Now the roles are reversed and I couldn't ask for a better Cumaean Sibyl to my Aeneas.

March 12th I had a colonoscopy and the doctor told me while I was still coming out of anesthesia that they had found a mass. He called me on my cell phone while on a business trip to tell me that it was cancer. I was in a panic, I called David because I was paralysed with fear. It was almost a month later before we met with the various doctors at SCCA that would be treating me. The treatments they described sent me into a tail spin of anger, denial and disbelief. It was going to take a year of radiation/chemo, then surgery, then more chemo and then a final surgery to cure me of my colorectal cancer. I am extremely active, strong and healthy. I will lose all of this in order to beat the cancer. After being piss-y I've pretty much accepted it, what are the alternatives?

I've been through my first week of treatment with no side effects. David feels I will have about a month before I really start to feel tired. I must say, if you are going to get cancer, Seattle is the best place to be. Everyone at SCCA has been great, despite my surliness.

I've told my family, closest friends and immediate co-workers. Everyone has been very supportive. I read an article in the WSJ about how to talk to a friend that is ill. There is some really good advise here, please read.

I promise some pictures in posts to come. Thank you.